Rape Squad
Jillian: I can't believe you decided to watch a movie with me on Valentine's Day! Cinema Snob: I can't believe you actually found a copy of this movie! what? it's my favorite romantical movie! Moment by Moment starring John Travolta and Lily Tomlin is your favorite romance? what? it's like the original Cougar Town! they look like brother and sister! look, this is my day and we're gonna watch what I want to watch! how the hell does someone remember Moment by Moment? Snob groans and starts the movie. It plays the end of the trailer with an added growling "RAPE SQUAD!" The fuck? This does not look like John Travolta and Lily Tomlin are about to have sex! thank God but seriously the fuck? honey, did you order the wrong movie? no, I ordered two movies moment-by-moment and something for me to do on the site later! they must have sent my movie first! it's Valentine's Day why would they possibly think rape Squad is a higher priority? have you seen my high priorities list in the past five years? we're lucky they didn't send us an actual rape squad! so should we go ahead and watch it? why not? it still gives us something to do. fine. but you owe me another dinner date and Travolta-Tomlin' lovin'. whatever it's still better than Nukie. oh here's why it's called rape squad it's a snuff film! no it's not a snuff film it just comes in alternate title vision why do you still refer to it as a rape squad when the title here is Act of Vengeance? don't you think rape squad is the more memorable title it doesn't matter what the alt title is everyone just calls it rape squad so you'd find moment by moment more intriguing if it was called rape squad? I don't think I could handle Lily Tomlin raping John Travolta! these two hear much more attractive what's happening? it was a law in the 70s that either the term 'what's happening' or 'good times' had to be used in a movie! oh please tell me it's not the horse that's going to get molested! who cares? I could count on all of my digits how many movies I've seen so far that have animal fucking in it! so is this going to be a squad of people sent out to kill rapists or is it gonna be like Monster Squad only instead of movie monsters it's a bunch of Ted Bundys? don't get too ahead of yourself just kick back and watch. Jason Voorhees?! don't worry I know what to do! Friday the 13th theme plays Doesn't even look like Jason! it looks like a kid with a cheap dollar store Jason costume! So the guy from Bloody Murder? Aren't you gonna scream? you can, you know it's alright! Oh is new Jason would sound like Jerry Reed! he doesn't sound like Jerry Reed Oh sweetheart! howdy ma'am '' okay maybe he sounds a little like Jerry Reed given the title this damn thing I hope the movie at least tries to keep it classy! ''Thank You mr. rapist for choosing me! Well, he said thank you seriously this is what you do for a living I mean it's only gonna get worse little music would be appropriate so why don't you sing me some jingle bells that's appropriate right it's not even Christmas another reason you can tell it's the 70s nowadays this guy would get the death penalty for smoking at a public place and go figure showing her a bunch of pictures of John Dillinger isn't helping anything I'm finding it very hard to make jokes in the scene when in doubt just say that a character bears a striking resemblance to somebody else example: so officer Gerald Ford here shows her some mug shots well, how this is a revenge movie I'm guessing something offensive is going to happen. at the police station but find anything I'll call you and if you remember anything you forgot to tell us you call make sure I wish there definitely some time AAGH! don't worry she's gonna retaliate with an aggressively exploitation movie line! come back someday I hope you run into a big mean 300-pound faggot killer and I hope that faggot rips off your clothes and sodomized is your mic and your baby back ass! at least now we get to see a scene with her boyfriend giving her a good recipe for red herring don't speak so soon honey guys are really sensitive in these movies are you bullshitting me about You're sarcastic, isn't it? ever see my Maniac episode? it's what I do maybe this is the scene where they make a call to the cast of angels revenge this movie better slowed down or it's on the verge of becoming offensive! well I'm on the verge of thinking this is really David Hess! now just to show me how grateful you are how about you sing for me all about ten bars of jingle bells I can't believe this is the movie that's ruining Christmas for me way past you on that! garbage days and Nazi Elves ruined it for me! I also like how his name is actually jingle bells because we wouldn't have taken him seriously if his name were frosty you know, there's probably an easier way to pick Kane Hodder out of a lineup! if it's Jason you're looking for though it's clearly the guy on the right he's got the closest outfit no, early to mid-80s Jason had tan pants I believe they know it's not Jason you fucking asshole! this seems like a very silly way to pick out who the rapist is I'm sorry ladies but I had to do this to you for a very good reason but I picked this way to dramatize for you how impossible our job is oh I get it it was his point to fuck with a bunch of rape victims how do you feel about forming a rape squad honey you're gonna have to be a little more specific on that So the rape squad is this group of women who set out to stop rapist and to... okay I think the cameraman might be jingle bells! how can you tell when everything in this movie with a penis is a rapist? "stop rape"? well that's my favorite sport! you treat women like slabs on meat you know I feel there should have been more at the end of that sense hey I remember when I used to practice Taekwondo the hell even the dummy is a rapist are you okay just enjoying the movie so all my ladies are taking up karate now some punches no kicks yeah I can't wait till the next fight dynamite the fuck was that about this stuntman Mike making his cameo no time though the squad gets their first mission which is seduce the rapist something I think will make up most of their missions nice tower of beer be more attractive it was just a puddle of urine please watch the beer cans every frat boy just shed a tear! so they're just messing up his apartment I've seen The girl with the dragon tattoo and this is tame by comparison give it a sec honey see look there's the acid actually it's just good old blue colored dye you're a marked man mister rapist please mister rapist was my father who last about six months and if we ever hear that you attacked any other woman this will identify you and we'll be back and if we do we'll redecorate your ass and not your apartment so he just has to wait six months and then he can rape again fuck the blue dye that should have been acid at least now we can play some more Friday the 13th music. Music how do you do that I know you're not just editing the music in and then sitting back down as long as you just think about the reference it'll magically happen in the movie sort of like how a painting will appear if you lightly touch it pretty much should say for shit's sake! if there's one more rape in this movie I'm going to lose interest! really you had to wait until the third rape to give up on this movie is three rapes your limit maybe something different will happen in the scene who are you oh I'm just your friendly neighborhood a hockey player nope still one-liners doesn't even make sense there are no friendly hockey players what do you want you're going to be kidding me now he's just making fun of the movie's own dialog that's not all there is Jacob Annabelle's what is his name Plus this one he actually kills I find it hard to believe they needed the entire rape squad to identify the body jingle bells should be easier to find than they think just look with a person with a hilariously dubbed voice damn I actually killed someone don't think I want that to happen again no it's not a nice feeling well gotta find a new one get my mind off of that don't even sound like real dialog it sounded like a What's up Tiger Lily comedic dub! only about rape! at least misogynistic prick shows up back in the movie he's had some time to learn maybe he's a decent person now look you're gonna get yourself killed too if you don't stop tramping around like some some diesel Dyke he's a man and he's in this movie they're all bad even when they're off screen they're bad like when this one lady plays obscene messages from her tape recorder If it turns out to be Ghostface we're shutting this off! I thought snobs liked Scream! even I have my limits! we get to see him go after another rapist though yeah well what's happening is what's happening what's happening has already been said someone please say good times dynamite plus I don't know if rubbing up on this dude is really teaching him a lesson if I ever hear you making another obscene phone call you've had it because I'm gonna publish a story about you that'll make national headlines all over America you'll be known as mr. hit so let him call you mr. shit then you can be a Christmas icon on South Park I'm sort of surprised we haven't seen any pimps oh there we go so what's so bad about pimps maybe he's one of the nice ones like Henry Winkler a night shift good old dad and you leave when Percy tells you to leave you understand I don't old you bitch I'm your Lord and your master you dig it No, he's the vice squad type! oh shit no one likes Karate Mama's have turned on him come on, he's an abusive woman beater destroy a little more than his car! I'm sure he'll be a better person when he wakes up now I know we've been saying it's Jason this entire time but lo and behold jingle bells is actually David Hasselhoff I knew it wasn't Jason this movie was madeyears prior to Friday the 13th I fucking know that! also his voice sounds a little different when it isn't dubbed there. they go my fine lovelies my beauty is and didn't they look good together he starts playing a cat-and-mouse game with the girls which seems to confuse the hell out of them I know I have eyes why do you keep describing it to me as we watch it I'm just making the point that this seems like a long way to go when the end result will just be castration! are you kidding? the probably just Keys card give him a black eye or something don't forget they also have nice sticks which seem to be casting a mighty dick shadow on this woman's crotch the group splitting up doesn't seem like such a good idea when they're searching for jingle bells see I told you it wasn't a good idea I wasn't disagreeing with you now in what a horrible way is the other girl gonna get caught oh damn there goes my heel girls wait for me really? jingle bells' has them all cornered he threatens to kill two captured girls unless the others lock themselves in acage hey girls trust me no way last time I trusted somebody in a hockey mask I got a miniature Zamboni shoved up my ass What?! naturally the girls seemed to go quietly oh well except the one who is eventually gonna kill him who knew that all you had to do to upset jingle bells was insult his lovemaking skills ''you told me you were the best you're the lowest bullshit '' screw you Camille Keaton. this girl uses words to castrate her men not to mention hitting the air around him to knock him on the ground she's hitting him so hard with this shovel that there's absolutely no blood to be found on it so I said cause he's dead now and okay ending the movie on the gripping cage releasing seems a little abrupt you think that's abrupt as not abrupt this is abrupt one day I'm gonna get that filthy rapist! okay that's a little more abrupt! but it would have made the movie shorter my point exactly so was this a good Valentine's Day movie, honey? well at least they got a woman to write their feminist revenge flick I guess that's something no they didn't it was written by a guy under a pseudonym why do you think they're all showing titty when they come up with their plan this whole movie was just the screenwriter trying to get laid! I didn't think about that. but I suppose it was a good Valentine's Day. I mean the movie was no Lily Tomlin's ass in the moonlight, but it'll do. "it'll do"? it was a rape movie! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wanna have sex now? no! Category:Cinema Snob transcripts